My blog was published on A Child Grows in Brooklyn. Check it out here.
When I first started teaching, if anyone told me that praising children can have adverse effects, I would have felt equal parts disbelief and guilt for all the “Good Jobs!” I doled out. But after reading How Not to Talk to Your Kids and attending other trainings in positive teacher language, I learned that praise can be confusing and counterproductive for children.
What is “praise,” anyway? Praise, in this context, is how we comment on our children’s accomplishments. For example, if a child brings home a report card of all As, we might say, “You’re so smart!” Or if they show us a piece of artwork they finished we would exclaim, “Great job! You’re such a good artist!” Doesn’t sound so terrible, right?!
The problem is that when children are repeatedly told that they’re smart or a good artist, they often come to believe that their talent and intelligence are fixed traits. The result is that they are less likely to take risks or challenge themselves, lest their talent or intelligence come into question. Instead, what we want children to know is that their strategy and effort are the key factors in their success. By understanding what made them successful, they can continue to challenge themselves—and spur growth in the process.
This is not to say that we need to throw praise out the window, just to put more emphasis on how the child arrived to their destination. So the next time your child brings home a stellar report card, you might say, “I’m really proud of you. What do you think you did to get such high grades?” If they created a beautiful piece of artwork you could say, “You chose such interesting colors and spent so much time working on it. Let’s hang it up so everyone can see!”
To learn more about how you can use this kind of language with your children, and additional strategies to support their growth mindset, contact Home Works NYC today to schedule an appointment.
A friend recently sent me this article, which talks about how schools often measure parental engagement by how frequently they meet with a child’s teacher, volunteer at the school, or attend a school event. While these are valuable forms of engagement, many parents may be better served by the schools offering suggestions for ways they can engage with their children at home, thus strengthening their parent-child relationships.
Home Works NYC sets out to do just this work. To that end, I want to offer you one of my favorite strategies that parents can use at home to positively engage in their child’s education—in this case, you’ll be working with your child on self-regulation.
Set aside a structured time to focus on one activity. Because our modern-day environments provide opportunities to engage in many tasks at once, having time to dedicated to one task allows children to practice their concentration and problem-solving skills. Children should choose their desired activity, plan out a few things they’d like to try, and agree on a duration.
For preschool children this could be working on a puzzle for 10 minutes and cleaning up when finished. School-aged children can have an hour of creative play with dress-up, art supplies, or blocks. Adolescents can set a goal for each day of the week (cleaning out their closet on Monday, perhaps) and check off their tasks as they’ve completed them. During this time, you can engage in their play or choose an activity that interests you.
It sounds simple, but there are many factors that enable this type of activity to be effective. To learn how to make this strategy work for you, contact Home Works NYC today and schedule a consultation.
Modern day parents – myself included – work really hard to make sure our kids are growing up to be kind, responsible citizens. After reading NurtureShock, I was amazed to find out that many strategies we use to nurture our children may have adverse effects.
For example, the book asks why "in a world of modern, involved, caring parents, are kids so aggressive and cruel?" As a classroom teacher of hundreds of children over the years, I often wondered why there is such rampant teasing and bullying when children most often come from loving homes. The answer, I learned, is conflict. Contrary to the popular belief that children should be protected from conflict, NurtureShock explains that children not only need to be exposed to a healthy level of conflict, but they also have to be shown how conflict is resolved. Children are incredibly perceptive and can easily pick up on underlying tension—so unless they experience the reality of challenging situations, they will act out their feelings in inappropriate ways. How can we support this as parents? We can try, as uncomfortable as it is, to let our kids engage in their own conflict and guide them in to resolving it in healthy, positive ways.
This book touches on so many topics like, why children lie, how praise can cause more harm than good, and why cross-racial friendships decrease in the most racially integrated schools. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about how our behavior and assumptions can impact child development.
Lisa Miller, reporter for New York Magazine, writes of a groundbreaking study on how Pre-K can inspire or discourage students' interest and motivation in elementary school. The study was done in a neighborhood in Tennessee, where children who would not have ordinarily attended school until kindergarten were put in Pre-K to see if it would prepare them for the demands of elementary school. The study found that these children "rated less well, on academic and behavior scales, than their peers, most of whom stayed at home and presumably watched TV."
What is the learning here for New York City residents? While many Pre-K programs have wonderful learning environments, it's important for parents to know what environments are best for their children.
Here are some guiding questions that may be helpful:
-Does the classroom environment reflect signs that children are engaged in play throughout the day?
-Are there worksheets in abundance?
-Does the curriculum seem age-appropriate?
-Do the kids seem happy? Are the teachers happy?
New York City's Universal Pre-K is just a year old and will be evolving for quite a while, which means it's important to be as informed as possible when choosing a learning environment for your child. If you want to know more, contact Home Works NYC to schedule an appointment.
